Well, another Christmas day has come and gone and the New Year celebrations are just around the corner.  Aside from the obvious alcohol consumption most of us will subject ourselves to, what other plans do you have in store for yourself this coming year?  Are you working towards a big promotion, a job change, starting your own business, starting a family and walking away from a career, maybe?  As often as I talk to people or groups about their goals or dreams, it’s not always the obvious fears that seem to be the most debilitating. Often times it’s the fear of succeeding that can be as destructive as the fear of failing.

A lot of those fears originate from childhood. We all have a sort of blue print in our minds of what we think we are entitled to, be-it happiness, wealth, success, fun, toys, family size, or careers. Breaking the mold on these blue prints can be hard….very hard.

I grew up in a small town in England with not much money – by most American standards I expect all English towns are small, but this town was tiny and the roads were minuscule. Oh, and the people all have a twisted sense of humor. Most of this is brought about by the geography of the land and the general lack of sunlight.

         Lord Byron once said, “The English winter – ending in July to recommence in August.” 

Which is pretty much how it is and why so many of the English drink so heavily…. or at least that’s our story and we are sticking with it. But I digress.

My life as a young man revolved around a long list of chores, followed by a longer list of things not to do because we couldn’t afford it. Amongst this backdrop for my formative years was a Father who was a bit too heavy handed for most folks liking, but especially mine. His idea of a clip around the ear would have made Mike Tyson proud.

To say I found myself trying desperately to dodge his wrath for many perceived infractions is an understatement. I’m sure that a large portion of his frustrations lay with the lack of money as we always seemed to be one paycheck away from coming all the way up to flat broke.

I’m sure my general mischievous disposition did little to placate already tattered nerves or patience. Oops, my bad.

Growing up in this environment resulted in several things, most of which I am only able to recognize now as an adult: Firstly, I never really thought it would be possible for me to earn more than what was needed to provide the next meal. Savings and retirement were somewhat of a pipe dream… Next, any job that I held down really needed to make my life miserable in some way. This idea fit in with the notion that jobs should never be fun. Ever.

Even my own Mother once said she wanted me to get a job I hated, passionately, and suffer it for a few years so I would come to realize what life was really about. This was said to me after I expressed an interest in applying to the BBC to be a presenter for one of their shows… You see, this type of attitude is so ingrained in our psychy it’s practically genetic coding. I applied to the BBC by the way, and went to the audition, and won the part beating out 40,000 other applicants…talk about visualization! LOL.

I’ve always felt that no matter what I was doing, whether it was personal training (unsocial hours), real estate investor (unsocial, period), a builder for a construction company (I did have a great boss, but the sub-contractors, Jeaz…), all of these jobs have their limits and all of them made me miserable for one reason or another. Which only made the genetic coding very happy. As we all know, you should most definitely suffer while at work, it’s just the way things are.

Then I began speaking. No, not to myself – although you do get less backchat with this sort of occupation; of course I mean speaking to groups. Small groups, large groups, any group in fact that had a need for a speaker. Guess what, all cylinders were finally firing. I was waking up in the middle of the night with ideas and not being resentful about the lack of sleep! Why? Because I am passionate about what I do. It makes me really happy.  

The true measure of your life is happiness. Does what you do make you happy? If it does, then strive to be the best at it. Reaching for the stars as far as your own abilities is easy when the passion to perform the duties of the job are already there. If you aren’t sure if you are any good at “it” and can take some constructive criticism, then find somewhere reputable that  teaches people to do what you want to do, and then attend their class.

I attended Ty Boyds’ Excellence in Speaking Institute class here in Charlotte and learned a lot about Public Speaking. 

If what you do now doesn’t make you happy, make a change. Sometimes it’s a small change like talking to your boss about working in another department with different responsibilities – just be prepared to say why you want the change and how much better you will be in the new position. Most forward thinking corporations realize losing a valuable employee is too time and cost consuming, they will try to move someone around the bus to a different seat where possible. But, sometimes it’s a large change. And that’s when the demons we have from childhood come into play. The fear of failure, or the fear of success, they may both need to be battled if you want to chase your dreams.

You have to know you are worthy of succeeding in your new __________(fill in the blank yourself). Positive affirmation has got to start with you. Anyone can tell you that you are talented, gifted or worthy of success, but until you believe it for yourself, it will wash over your ears and be swiftly answered by the voices in your head. Mine always sounded like one or both of my parents, strangely enough…

I beat the problem starting small. Ironically the sort of touchy feely positive nonsense we are usually berated with, was too much for me to handle, so I began very small: Each night before going to sleep, I would tell myself how good I was at what I did. Or, how much I deserved the success that would come from achieving XYZ.

Now, at first, I felt like a complete moron – which is nothing new…  But I stuck with it because I wanted to change something… And any change has to start with you overcoming your own fears and insecurities. Plus small changes don’t feel so overwhelming. I want you to do the same. Say it now, in your head. And after a week or two, start saying it out loud, a few times. Say it until it doesn’t have that hollow sound to the words.

I use to teach kickboxing and I would explain to my new clients that until they felt like fighters, they would have to pretend to be fighters. They always looked at me kindof goofy when I insisted they hold their hands and feet a certain way. Especially the women.

Eventually with enough re-iteration on the finer points of a good fighting or self defense stance, they stopped rolling their eyes and began to hold their hands where they needed to be. Then it became second nature. Next, they started to move like a fighter. Their balance improved, it became harder and harder to hit them, and they began hitting me more and more. Spectators would say, “I wouldn’t want to mess with her..” Or, “I think you’ve taught that girl too well..”

The client who thought I’m never going to look like I know what I’m doing, suddenly looked as if they knew exactly what they were doing. But it started with them faking it…..repeating the process over and over until, guess what, they began to believe it.

So, for the first week of saying what ever it is you are going to say to start your mental programming, say it like you’d expect a football coach to say it. Picture the final few minutes of a really important game and everything is on the line - imagine the emotion with which the coach would be yelling it at you. Say it with true conviction. Once you have repeated one thing enough that there is no doubt in your mind it’s true, add other things.

Never say “I will eventually be ___________.” Whatever is said has to be said as if it is happening right now, in the present. Otherwise your subconscious doesn’t know how to process the information – it can only deal with the present reality. And the present reality is whatever you choose to make it. Starting with your mind first.

Start this as soon as you have decided what it is you want to be doing – otherwise you’ll be all revved up with nowhere to go, and what a waste that would be, hey??

Most people fear failure because of the perceived loss of identity in failing. It’s a small part of why public speaking holds such a great amount of horror for so many people. We don’t want to be laughed at by other people, or make an idiot of ourselves…some of us do very well doing just that by the way. Haha. But just as many people fear success as they don’t feel worthy of it.

That’s programming left over from childhood.

You can start reprogramming yourself as soon as you grow sick and tired of it enough to dedicate the time to doing so. Don’t waste another year letting issues from childhood hold you back. Your time starts now, if you choose to make it so!

Good luck and Happy New Year!!

Cheers, Terry.

www.highintensityteambuilding.com